Max, Tucker - Hilarity Ensues by Max Tucker

Author:Max, Tucker [Max, Tucker]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Psychology, Form, Anecdotes & Quotations, Human Sexuality, Biography & Autobiography, General
ISBN: 9781451669053
Google: ZSZLFgpu3SQC
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2012-02-07T05:00:00+00:00

I was going to have a system at least that good, if not better.

I would only put that system in a serious luxury car, something so expensive the stereo cost less than 10% of the cost of the car, and most importantly,

I had to be rich enough to pay cash for the car. No loans, no financing, no debt. If I can’t cut a check and drive it off the lot, I can’t afford to put a system in it.

That day came in the fall of 2009, shortly after I moved to Austin. I did my research, and decided to get a Range Rover. Shopping for a car that costs more than the average annual salary of 90% of the people in this country is a different experience. You aren’t treated like a customer, more like a client. There’s no hustle, no hard sell, there’s not even a discussion of price at all, since their prices are fixed. You can either pay or you can’t. The salesman, Patrick, gave my dog some treats and got me a cappuccino as he explained all the dials and gadgets and horsepower and all the other stuff I didn’t give a fuck about. It was time to lay my full hand on the table:

Tucker “Look, you don’t need to do all this. I don’t care about any of that. I barely understand how an internal combustion engine works. All my friends who know shit about cars say Range Rovers are awesome. I’m sold. There is only one thing I care about: Can I put a bumpin’ system in here?”

A look of honest confusion filled Patrick’s face.

Tucker “You know, like, can the deck and wiring handle a speaker upgrade, or am I going to have to rip it out and put all new shit in? Because that sort of work gets expensive.”

Patrick “Why would you want to change the stereo? The factory system on this is the upgraded Harmon Kardon stereo system. It’s amazing, it comes with …”

Tucker “No no no. I’m not listening to the Beatles, man. I’m talking about putting four 12-inch subwoofers and two 1000-watt amps in the trunk. Banging. Bumping. You ever heard a car driving by, and the bass is so loud, you can feel it? Like that.”

Patrick “I … uh … I don’t really know … I’ve worked here for almost a decade, and no one has ever asked that question before.”

Tucker “Really?”

Patrick “Tucker … this is a Range Rover dealership.”

Tucker “You’ve never had a drug dealer or something come in here to buy a car?”

I was being serious, but he had no idea how to take me. I had my assistant figure it out, and he was pretty sure that the factory wiring on Range Rovers not only could easily accommodate the system I wanted, but it was made so well and with such tight tolerances, it was actually one of the best vehicles to put that type of system in, because you didn’t have to hunt down all the rattling that comes when you bang in a cheap car.

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